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It just happened ...

# I was thinking about us, are we implicity "in relationship"? I mean, I don't know who started, maybe I did, but that physical contact made me think. What do u think?

* Do u want to talk about it?

# Yupe ...

(a few minutes later ...)

# I don't know where to start.

* How about starting with: What do u actually want?

# That's the problem, I don't know what to say, cause I don't know what I actually want. Okay, it began when I didn't have a friend to hang out. Then I played safely, asking you - an old friend - out. I never thought it would go somewhere else ... then I found it's fun to hang out with u, so we did it again and again.

* Till what happened yesterday, right?

# Yeah, till what happened yesterday.

* I also never thought that we would be close as today ... as I told u before, if it were not u, i wouldn't say yes when u asked me out. You know, at that time I didn't want to hang out with anybody else but my old friends.

# If we didn't do that thing, it will be easier for both of us ... till we finally find out whether we meant for each other or just to be closed friends ...
The bottom line is, I don't want that thing happens again to us ...I don't want we have different expectations ... I don't want to be the evil one ... It seems less responsible, after what I've done to you, then I talk this way to you ...But it's the fact that right now I don't want to make commitment with anybody, I don't want to be involved in any relationship, at least till the end of this year ...

* (pusink ...)

# I am not even sure with what I really want right now ... I probably want to be with u ... but ...

* (more pusink ...)

# Now, it's ur turn ...

* If that's what u want, I'm fine with it ...

# Uggh, u, curang ... :)

* If you're not my friend ... I just want it ends here ... you go away from me ... But you're my friend, I don't want to loose someone whom to talk to, to hang around with ...Do you still want to be with me, I mean, hang out together?

# Yupe, I want it. I will keep asking u out, cause I enjoy being with u, talking with u ..

* Will you look for me?

# Sekarang saatnya buat kita berdua bersikap egois ...
Aku maunya tetep jalan sama kamu, ngobrol sama kamu, tapi ada batas yang jelas antara kita, gak ada ekspektasi bahwa kita lebih dari teman. Jangan sampai kejadian itu terulang lagi ...

* Kalau saja kamu bukan temenku, aku maunya all ends here, kalo mau ngilang, ngilang aja ... Seperti aku selalu bilang ke temenku, aku gak pernah suka attached ke seseorang, karena kalau itu terjadi ... akan sangat sedih buatku ketika dia gak ada, karena aku bakalan nyariin dia ... Tapi aku juga gak rela kehilangan temen jalan, temen ngobrol ....

# Jadi kita sama2 di posisi yang sulit dong ...
Atau gini, kamu tetep punya temen jalan, temen ngobrol ... tapi kamu gak attached ke aku? Ada batas yang jelas antara kita ...

* Tapi susah buat aku, kalau kita tetep jalan bareng, batasnya tipis banget antara teman atau lebih dari itu ...
Bisakah kamu tetep jalan bareng aku dan gak attach ke aku?

# Aku bisa, pelajaran yang sudah2 membuat aku gak attach dan menggantungkan diri pada seseorang ...
Kamu bisa gak?

* Aku nggak tau ...

Malam itu, bisa dibilang, semua selesai. Sebenernya bahkan aku belum sepenuhnya yakin dengan apa yang kumau dari hubungan dia dan aku ... Sehari kemudian aku mencoba merumuskannya ... aku bilang ke dia begini ...

*Akhirnya aku tahu what I really expect from u: I want u and me more than friends, but I still have my own space and time, so I am not attached to u. I want things happen not so fast, because I realize I am still rebuilding my heart, my confidence, my self ... But still, it is different from what you expect right?

#Yeah, it's quite different. I did make u dissapointed, right?

*Dissapointed dunno. Mungkin lebih tepat shocked dan kaget, karena kupikir aku lebih bimbang tentang kita daripada kamu ...

#I do apologize for that, dunno what an apology can do, but I mean it.

*Gpp, itu udah resiko kan ... Can u tell me what u really expect for ur self, and what u expect from me?

#As I told u yesterday, I don't expect anything, first I did expect something happen, but I realize I am not sure, so I decided to clear things out so no one get hurt badly ...


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